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Letter to an Abandoned Spouse An open letter to the abandoned spouse Dear __________ I’ve been leading a weekly support group for over 10 years. My goal has always been to point people to Christ as the healer, to seek reconciliation when possible, and to grow in Christ’s love so that a divorce doesn’t defeat or define them for the rest of their life. I’ve seen a lot of hurt people over the years and the ones that seem to hurt the most are the ones that are left guessing–with no real reason why the spouse left. I want you to know that even if this has happened to you, you still have value in spite of the fact that your spouse left. The spouse leaves home and the community begins to say there must have been a good reason. Things must have been pretty bad at home for someone to leave. People form opinions about the abandoned spouse. That’s just not right. Sometimes the spouse will say, “If you weren’t so.......... (fill in the blank) then I wouldn’t have done.................” And you start to believe it. You try to change everything about yourself in response to your spouse’s words and behavior. The problem is the reasons keep changing and you keep trying to adapt. And in reality, it’s a futile exercise. I pray that you will become so strong in the fact and the knowledge that Christ is your definer, that no one will able to paint a picture of you that will be any less than what God intended you to be. Regardless of what one spouse would say caused the problems, that spouse is not allowed by God to respond to those problems in any inappropriate ways. It is not okay for a spouse to say, “it’s your fault I’m doing what I’m doing.” That’s as bad as a parent saying to a misbehaving child, “It’s your fault you were hit so bad your arm broke.” Notice it doesn’t say “I broke your arm” it’s another way of placing responsibility on the victim, not the abuser. No, it is not the child’s fault. It is up to the parent to find appropriate ways to deal with the child. No matter how “bad” a child is, it is never appropriate to hurt a child physically. It’s the same with marriage. There is never a good enough reason that makes it okay to behave inappropriately. Whether someone turns to drugs, alcohol, adultery, gambling, workaholism, or whatever; that behavior is their individual choice and their individual sin. There are more appropriate ways to deal with problems in marriage. I pray that you get to a place where you can feel sadness and compassion for your spouse’s behavior, grieve for your personal loss, but realize and fully believe that you are not diminished or erased by what he/she has chosen to do. To be able to say, “That’s really sad that you felt your only response to our issues was to leave and go elsewhere.” and “It’s too bad you’re doing what you’re doing, but it’s your response to our problems, not mine.” and “It makes you answerable to God, not me.” The point of my letter is to tell you some of the things we discuss in the divorce recovery support group. The reason a spouse leaves, (whether physically or just emotionally) is not always the thing to focus on right now. Some spouses leave home with no real reason or explanation and it can devastate the abandoned spouse. You may spend the rest of your life guessing and wondering why. The “why” isn’t important because there probably isn’t a “why.” If there is, it keeps changing. You can’t win no matter how hard you try to line up. The tragedy would be if you allow what happened in the past to rob you of your future. God is a God of second chances. Let God be your definer. Seek God’s opinion only. Become confident in that, and you’ll begin to grow in strength–emotional strength and confidence. The goal is not to figure everything out what they wanted you to be; the real goal is to seek Christ, be who He wants you to be and feel sadness that your spouse wasn’t able to do the same. There is a freedom to experience as a single Christian person. You get to be who God fully intended you to be. You don’t get limited by someone else’s selfish motives. One reason so many people are destroyed by divorce is they begin to feel that who they were in the marriage must be completely bad because otherwise the spouse would have stayed no matter what. In truth, the spouse was probably having a struggle with God, not the spouse. God may be calling him/her to a higher place of obedience, make a lifestyle change, or to simply have a closer relationship. Sometimes the spouse doesn’t want to step up to the plate, to take on more responsibility, to be a person of integrity. Sometimes, they don’t want to put the effort into confronting some family issues. Sometimes they make a conscious decision not to hear God and His call. As that spouse veers off the path away from Christ, it simultaneously leads them away from the marriage. However, it’s usually the turning away from God that comes first. Often a spouse will say to the abandoned spouse, “I’m happier now without you than I ever was with you.” Maybe they are. That just means that since they are no longer struggling with God, life seems a little easier. God will let people go, not without a fight, but He will let them go. So, maybe it does seem to them that life is easier, but what a scary place to be outside of God’s will. The spouse and family that gets left behind is often a by-product of the spouse’s refusal to listen to God’s call, but it’s not the cause. Picture a path of two people going toward Christ and one leaving the path. One spouse is still on that path and it’s the other that has gone astray and is on a path toward satisfying self. You need to keep your eyes on the goal, stay strong, pray and feel sorrow for the other’s path. You don’t need to take responsibility for that choice, though. Don’t let Satan win twice with a divorce. Don’t let Satan rob you of the rest of your life. Learn to look in God’s mirror to determine who you are and what your worth is. If you have lived your life being defined by your spouse, it will be very difficult to change your focus. Seek to define yourself in Christ and not dwell on why your spouse left. As you re-create yourself in Christ, any behaviors you have that need to change will change with Christ’s help because He wants to develop you. Don’t change to line up with someone else’s opinion. Be all that God designed you to be. Find your peace, your joy, and fulfillment in Christ and you will be a conqueror–a survivor of divorce, not a casualty. As a victor, you can show your children that God’s hand is on you and on them. God does have a plan and a second chance at life for you. Take some time to grieve what should have been, work through your pain and anger. Aim towards forgiveness, trust God, and look forward to tomorrow. May God bless you and your children as you begin a new life. ©Linda Campbell 2004 |
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